Many of us speak to ourselves far more harshly than we would ever speak to a friend. The self-compassion break is a short practice developed by psychologist Kristin Neff, one of the best-known researchers of self-compassion. It takes about a minute and you can do it anywhere.
The three steps
- Notice: “This is a hard moment.” Name what is happening, simply and without exaggerating. You might say “This hurts” or “This is stressful”.
- Remember you are not alone: “Difficult moments are part of life.” Everyone struggles, makes mistakes and feels unsure sometimes. You are not the only one.
- Offer kindness: “May I be kind to myself.” Place a hand on your chest or another comforting place, and ask what you need to hear right now. Perhaps “May I be patient with myself” or “I’m doing my best”.
Tips
- Use words that feel natural to you. The exact wording matters less than the attitude.
- If kindness feels awkward at first, that is very common. Try imagining what you would say to a good friend in the same situation.
- It can help to pair the steps with a few slow breaths.
You may also like kindness meditation, which grows the same warm attitude towards others.
When to use it
- After making a mistake.
- When you are worried about something you can’t control.
- When you notice harsh self-talk, such as “I’m so stupid”.
- During a long, tiring or painful period.
Common questions
Isn’t self-compassion just letting myself off the hook?
No. Being kind to yourself is different from making excuses. Many people find they learn from mistakes more easily when they are not frozen by self-criticism.
What if I can’t think of kind words?
Imagine what a good friend, a grandparent or a favourite teacher would say to you.
Key points
- Notice the hard moment.
- Remember that struggle is part of being human.
- Offer yourself the kindness you would offer a friend.
General wellbeing information, not medical or psychological advice. If difficult thoughts or feelings are affecting your daily life, please talk to a doctor or a qualified mental health professional.
